So, apparently I suck at being a mom. I can't stop messing up and I keep hurting the ones I love. But here is my frustration with this because I am so sick and tired of being mad at myself all the time and feeling like the worst mom in the world. Really, I would love to feel like a normal mom who sometimes gets mad, but the truth is that no one will admit that that is normal, so then I feel even more like crap for wanting to think that it is normal. Anyone else can go to work all day, everyday and occasionally make mistakes at their nine to five jobs and we say "it's ok, it happens to everyone once and a while." Well, my job is taking care of my family twenty-four/seven. There are little to no brakes. And when I mess up on the "job" I feel criticized for it. The worst critic is always myself, of course, because first I know I should have handled things better, second, I wish someone knew where I was coming from and why can't I get any sympathy but all the sympathy goes to the kid...and third, I feel incredibly guilty for even wanting to make it about myself. It is a vicious cycle of loathing. Seriously, I'm mad that there is no break for good moms who are afraid of being bad moms because one bad night and there is self-loathing and criticism for not being better.
Oh and here is the other delightful twist to motherhood...our job as mothers is to make our children's lives wonderful and enriching every moment of everyday right. So if we are the cause of any grief or if we disrupt their world because we "mess up on the job" then how dare we.
And let's not even mention the web of guilt that comes with receiving help. If I can't handle my own kids and someone steps in I feel one of three things, or all three at once-first, I feel the guilt of not being able to handle my own children, then I feel guilty that someone else feels they 'must' come rescue me or the kids. Second, if I interpret their help as judgement and I dismiss it I feel guilt. Third, if they honestly want to help then I feel I must owe them, which leads to more guilt.
Can I just say that there is an intense pressure on moms everywhere trying to be good, but particularly as a Mormon mom, I feel like there is no room for error. There is no excuse for "messing up on the job" because I am given all of the training tools.
So basically:
If I mess up I feel guilt.
If I make my kids cry I feel guilt.
If I think of myself I feel guilt.
If I want a break I feel guilt.
If I someone has to help me I feel guilt.
If I don't accept help I feel guilt.
If I get mad I feel guilt.
If I am not thanking Heavenly Father every second of the day I feel guilt.
If I don't use the correct discipline program I feel guilt.
I feel guilt just typing this blog.
Motherhood is a very lonely job these days.
